The Offside Schedule Annoucement

I co-host a radio show if you didn’t know already.

If you did know, then you must absoulutly be DYING to know what time The Offside (with Carlos Rodriguez) is on… like… you literally haven’t been sleeping because you want to hear my beautiful voice spouting brilliant and thoughtful knowledge on everything but soccer.

Don’t worry though, you can finally stop chewing on tables now because we have our time.

SHOW PREMIERE!

2 weeks from now

Monday

8am

I’ll figure out a prize for someone who calls for the show… see you guys bright and early.

The Sportscenter Drinking Game (Best Played in August/September)

	This image, originally posted to Flickr, was reviewed on 31 July 2010 by the administrator or reviewer Rockfang, who confirmed that it was available on Flickr under the stated license on that date.

Let me preface this by saying I, in no way, am responsible for the playing of this game and I am not liable for any of the following

  • Drunkenness that results from this game
  • Hangovers that result from this game
  • Bad beer-googled hookups that result from this game
  • Any police trouble you may come across
  • Anything that has to do with drinking pretty much

If you are underage, replace this with soy milk, or something gross. Now buckle up, cuz Sportscenter is an hour long….

Oh and by the way, I love ESPN.

Take a drink/sip

  • If someone attractive is at the anchor desk.
  • If any of stories has to do with New York
  • If anyone says Lebron James or Tim Tebow or Andrew Luck or Kobe
  • Whenever any of the anchors go into a segment with a pun
  • Whenever anyone references Twitter
  • If a formerly popular athlete is in a suit on camera
  • Whenever anyone asks “Are the ________’s finished/slumping/whatever means done with”
  • Whenever the fantasy experts are on screen
  • Whenever there is more time spent on the NFL than the MLB
  • When Herm Edwards makes his co-anchor laugh
  • Whenever someone mentions Joe Paterno
  • Whenever someone is shown getting rocked in football

Finish your cup/shot

  • If NASCAR or tennis is mentioned
  • If the What 2 Watch 4 game sounds boring
  • If Rachael Nichols comes up on camera
  • If anyone messes up their lines
  • If the #1 Top Play isn’t as awesome as any thing below it
  • Whenever a male anchor says something creepy to a female anchor
  • If anyone wishes Happy Birthday to someone other than Kobe, Jeremy Lin or Tebow
  • If any game recap leaves out plays by the losing team “If the Cubs are playing the Brewers and you dont see hits by the Cubs”
  • Whenever ESPN goes super off topic with random facts
  • Whenever anyone mentions someone not on the Nationals

Finish 2 cups/chug

  • If the NHL is mentioned without mention of Sidney Crosby or Ovechkin
  • If the English Premier League has a segment not in the Top Ten Plays
  • If anyone says anything bad about Tim Tebow other than Steven A Smith
  • If anyone says the Cowboys will make the playoffs
  • If a commercial takes out the info bar on the bottom of the screen
  • If any of the anchors references Northwestern University
  • If anyone covers skateboarding or X Games related things
  • When there is coverage on an NBA team that isn’t good

Instant game over

  • If there’s MLS footage anywhere
  • If someone from a blog is a guest caller
  • If there’s UFC coverage

Conclusion

Seriously, don’t get me if you don’t have fun or something during this game. Im disappointed nobody said the secret word from the last post as well…

And don’t worry, actual analytic stuff tomorrow.

Tweet @JakePayneSports

NFL Team Goals and Fears for the 2012 Season

The NFL season is almost here, rejoice!

If me coming back doesn’t make you rejoice, at least the upcoming fun will.

Every team is going into this season with something they want to work for, some kind of goals that they want to achieve this year. While some probably have a page long goal list, I will try to condense every teams goals in to one sentence, as well as their fears.

PS: This is strangely familiar to something I did before… isn’t it… http://jakepaynesports.wordpress.com/2012/02/22/mlb-team-one-sentence-goals-and-wishes/

The NFL

Goal: Disregard Cheerleaders, Acquire National Television Contracts

Fear: Hopefully the refs break soon… these refs are… less than adequate…

Arizona Cardinals

Goal: Lets try to keep people from laughing when we say we were in the Super Bowl three years ago by doing well!

Fear: We are ever playing Jerome Simpson again… please say no…

Atlanta Falcons

Goal: Lets win a postseason game!

Fear: What if we don’t get to the postseason…

Baltimore Ravens

Goal: Lets get to the Super Bowl on the back of our running back and defense!

Fear: Lets hope we don’t have to hop on our skateboarding quarterback’s back to get there…

Buffalo Bills

Goal: Lets actually keep a winning streak going to the end of the season!

Fear: Nobody get injured please… especially you Fred Jackson…

Carolina Panthers

Goal: Lets shock the world and win our division!

Fear: We just looked up the sophomore slump… Cam Newton we are looking at you bud…

Chicago Bears

Goal: Lets get to the Super Bowl! We have all the parts!

Fear: Our offensive line can block like a sheet of paper can block rocks…

Cincinnati Bengals

Goal: Lets build on last years success with Andy Dalton and AJ Green!

Fear: What if our starters don’t make it out of the preseason alive…

Cleveland Browns

Goal: Lets make it to the end of the season without crying!

Fear: What if we have to find another QB…

Dallas Cowboys

Goal: Lets build on Romo’s apparent confidence and actually use our talent!

Fear: What division are we in again? Oh….

Denver Broncos

Goal: Lets get behind our new and legendary quarterback Peyton Manning!

Fear: We actually cry uncontrollably when we look at our schedule…

Detroit Lions

Goal: Lets continue our success from last year! Stafford, Johnson and our defense worked wonders!

Fear: We can only keep paying the witch doctors that are keeping Stafford from getting injured for so long… especially now that we have the Madden curse.

Green Bay Packers

Goal: Lets avenge our playoff death and ravage the lands with Aaron Rodgers at the helm of the machine.

Fear: Our defensive players keep eating crayons… they don’t want to play until they get their juice boxes…

Houston Texans

Goal: Lets take advantage of our less than awesome division and get back to the playoffs!

Fear: Don’t stare at Andre Johnson too long, he’ll tear something…

Indianapolis Colts

Goal: Let’s build Andrew luck up into a star!

Fear: It’s really cold in here without Peyton Manning…

Jacksonville Jaguars

Goal: We have some good wide receivers and stuff…

Fear: We did the research and our new owner is actually serious… he doesn’t want to sign MJD…

Kansas City Chiefs

Goal: We have a much improved offense and a pretty good defense!

Fear: If Oakland or Denver does well… we are screwed…

Miami Dolphins

Goal: We will probably do ok with either Tannehill or Moore!

Fear: What if the Bills and Patriots do that scary thing where they throw the ball in the air and run really fast…

Minnesota Vikings

Goal: Lets try to atleast get fourth in the NFC North!

Fear: What do you mean there’s only four spots in our division…

New England Patriots

Goal: Super Bowl or bust!

Fear: What if those scary guys with the NY on their blue helmets play us again…

New Orleans Saints

Goal: Win the division and achieve glory!

Fear: Payton isn’t calling the plays, so the owners son is making our playbook on NFL Blitz 98…

New York Giants

Goal: Repeat and draw the attention off of those damned Jets!

Fear: Our players love getting injured…

New  York Jets

Goal: Revel in the attention from having Tebow!

Fear: We are more than just Tebow… right?

Oakland Raiders

Goal: Win the division, we can take advantage of Denver and KC’s hard times!

Fear: What if Carson Palmer gets senile again like last year… and what if we have to go to court because our fans keep getting in law trouble…

Philadelphia Eagles

Goal: Get to the playoffs! We have the team that could go all the way!

Fear: The team doctor told the team that Vick is made out of tissue paper and glass…

Pittsburgh Steelers

Goal: Make it alive out of our division!

Fear: Our division is tough… except for the Browns lol

Saint Louis Rams

Goal: Take advantage of having a legit coach in Mike Fisher!

Fear: We still suck though…

San Diego Chargers

Goal: We gave Philip Rivers smelling salts! Our offense can finally wake up now!

Fear: Most of our team is made out of hardened clay…

San Francisco 49ers

Goal: Get to the Super Bowl! We could totally do it!

Fear: What if Alex Smith starts throwing to his imaginary friends again…

Seattle Seahawks

Goal: Look fabulous in our new jerseys! What swag we has!

Fear: What if we don’t play as good as we look…

Tampa Bay Bucs

Goal: Surprise everyone!

Fear: The NFC South is really mean… they never let us win…

Tennessee Titans

Goal: Build the franchise behind Jake Locker!

Fear: Mike Fisher is gone…. now what…

Washington Redskins

Goal: Do big things with RGIII!

Fear: People think he’s like Cam Newton? This isn’t going to end well…

Conclusion

“Jake Payne is swagnificent”

If you tweet this line @JakePayneSports, put it on a comment on this article or message me on Facebook with it, you will be entered to win a Jake Payne Sports autograph, a famous Jake Payne nickname and a bottle of water!

Also stay tuned for the updated times of The Offside on Radio DePaul.

Blackhawks 2011-2012 Season Eulogy/Summary

What started off so well, ended so badly. A season started by being on top, ended with a shutout elimination on home ice in round 1 of the playoffs…

It seemed in the beginning that this would be an amazing year. The Blackhawks were off the Stanley Cup hangover, we were going into the season with a promising young goalie, and we had some new faces that would show us the way. Names like Mayers, Carcillo and Leddy would be people who could support the star studded front line, while Emery would be the veteran backup needed to make sure Crawford gets his rest.

The Hawks gave us a hell of a start also. Goals upon goals, a feisiness that nobody could answer, the Blackhawks were never really out of a game. They didn’t lose more than three games at a time, Toews was making a wild splash across the leagues as his name graced trophy predictions such as the Hart Memorial Trophy and the Art Ross. Sure things weren’t perfect, the drama of who would lead the teams goaltending was apparent, the power play and power kill was atrocious at best, Kane having a very cold streak at some points; but it seemed like minor problems that wouldn’t hurt the team at all. Hope was very prominent for the Blackhawks.

Seriously, with Kane’s memorable spin-o-rama pass to Hossa against the Ducks and his shootout stunner against the Wild; and the explosiveness of the offense as well as the promise of having two decent goalies, what could go wrong? The year 2012 is what could go wrong.

The Stanley Cup hangover that the Blackhawks had was seemingly gained back from the Hawks drinking too much on New Years Eve. They started out the year with Daniel Carcillo getting injured, who was a big part of the team’s physicality. On top of that, it started a four game slide to start off the New Year. It was no big deal though, they won the next few games and got a few new faces such as Andrew Shaw, who made a memorable first impression against the Flyers. The few 2nd and 3rd liners who were supposed to make an impression began showing up as scratches, but the people replacing them such as Hayes and others were good replacements. All the Hawks had to do was just keep on trucking through the last 3 months.

And then they went on the road trip.

After losing two to the Preds before the All-Star break, the Blackhawks proceeded to play the worst hockey any fan could even imagine them playing. It was more than just a scoreboard thing, it was an energy crisis. The Blackhawks were playing some very uninspired hockey, they made stupid turnovers after stupid turnovers, they couldn’t get a solid goaltending job out of either of their goalies, they didn’t take chances when they were basically given to them. Then there was the obvious 0-24 power play goals that were scored on the road trip. It just seemed like the world was collapsing somewhere in Chicago.

They played semi-inspired hockey for the rest of the season, even without the loss of Jonathan Toews. However, by then, the rest of the league was just finishing up with their winning streaks and showing their determination to win. Teams like the Canucks, the Blues, and the Predators climbed in the rankings as the Blackhawks fell down. Even worse news was that the Pacific Division was fighting out for spots, and they were threatening to shoot rocks at the glass ceiling that the Blackhawks were napping on. From the road trip on, the Blackhawks had no margin for error; if they didn’t play the hockey that they were playing in the beginning, they would find themselves out of the playoffs for the first time in 5 years.

Even as the regular season came to a close, it went out with many doubts. Jonathan Toews still hadn’t returned, the goaltending continued to be in question, and that cursed special teams continued to mess up. Blackhawks fans showed hope though. The team had hung on to a 6th spot, and were facing the Pacific Division winning Phoenix Coyotes. They hoped that the past wouldn’t be a repeat, seeing as they only beat them once…which was conveniently at the beginning of the season. Could the Blackhawks of old return to defeat a foe that seemed incredibly hard to beat during the regular season?

As the postseason started, the return of Toews was comforting, especially after he scored the first goal in the series. Yet nothing else seemed comforting for the rest of the series. The Blackhawks showed promise early in games, but would forget what sport they were in until about 30 seconds were left in the 3rd period. They didn’t convert chances, even when the Coyotes gave it too them. They didn’t grab the momentum, even when the Coyotes gave it away. And worst of all, they didn’t score on the cursed power play. Sure they put it into overtime many a times, even when the odds were against them. but they always seemed shocked to see the clock go back to 20 minutes. They dragged their feet, while the Coyotes realized that they would fight out those 20 minutes.

Things also went south and in bad taste after Andrew Shaw was ejected from Game 2 after a head to head collision behind the net which Blackhawks fans argued was a flop, things went to Australia after Raffi Torres ran his shoulder into Marian Hossa’s jaw and took him out of the series and possibly more. Yet the Blackhawks did not put any of these logs in their fire. They seemed more focus on the fact that a pawn like Raffi Torres took out their rook in Marian Hossa. While the fans organized a “Win It For Hossa” movement, the Blackhawks seemingly choose to let the Coyotes “Win It For Torres”.

Yet nothing could have shown the lack of presence the Blackhawks had than their ending note. In their home stadium, with some of the most supportive fans in hockey filling the arena, they were shutout and eliminated. Chance after chance, they failed to convert, while the Coyotes got few chances but they were some of the most well executed chances that could be played..  The Blackhawks ended their run with a shocked fanbase, a pathetic showing and a question. What happened?

Despite how the Blackhawks were the poster child of falling for grace, the positives cannot be overlooked. They carried on well without their captain, they overcame the abysmal road trip (which trust me, could have gone worse than it did), and they showed the fanbase that the reserves that are training  in Rockford are nothing to look past. It’s not like the Blackhawks had a Blue Jackets kind of season either, any time a team is at the top, it is something to be proud of. Even more special is the fan base itself, which never gave up hope and continued to fill the United Center at every chance.

So while the season may have ended with a bitter taste in our mouths, do not blame the players or coaching. One person does not lose a playoff series, nor does one person win it. The better team won, their first franchise playoff series win even, so leave it at that and don’t look like the sore losers that you accuse Vancouver of being. Cry it out, and then watch some baseball. It’ll be hard not seeing the Blackhawks get that cup, but this fanbase lived 48 years without seeing it. I think two years without the Cup isn’t going to hurt anyone.

The Dem Bones of Dirty Plays: Using Your Body to Hurt

Hurting With the Head Bone: Zinedine Zidane

When someone is making fun of you, or allegedly insulting your sister, tell them that you will headbutt them in the chest. I guarantee you they will stop.

In fact, I’m sure if Zidane had told Marco Materazzi that he was going to headbutt him, that whole fiasco would have never happened. I mean, who is so crazy, that they won’t even send brain signals to their legs and hands in order to hurt me? Who is so crazy, that they choose extra time in the WORLD CUP FINALS to headbutt me not in the face, but the chest? Who? Who other than Zidane?

Hurting with the Shoulder Bone: Raffi Torres

Raffi Torres loves his shoulder bone. He goes on dates with it, he writes it love songs, he even will name his children after it.

Torres has an impressive resume of using his shoulder to hurt people, his most recent addition was his hit on Marian Hossa. While that got a lot of press, that was for sure not his worst hit, which is why I put his Brent Seabrook hit up.

I won’t talk much more of Raffi Torres’ shoulder bone. He is very protective of it and could come to hurt me… and I certainly do not want to meet his shoulder bone.

Hurting with the Elbow Bone: Metta World Peace

When you hear Metta World Peace, if your first thought is a blond hippy girl who leaves in a tree trunk drinking honey mixed with muddy rain water and wears nothing but leaves tapped onto her body with tree sap, I don’t at all blame you.

Whoever, the famous Metta World Peace doesn’t do a whole lot of things that’s very peaceful. The man Falcon Elbowed James Harden in the head for really no apparent reason. Yet that is generally the story with Metta World Peace.

He’ll sink a full court buzzer beater to amaze people, but then he’ll punt a puppy across the Staples Center and into a bus full of wolves to make everyone mad at him within seconds of his accomplishment.

Hurting with the Hand Bone: Hockey

http://www.hockeyfights.com/

A hockey fight is the ultimate sacrifice of the hand bone.

Generally, hockey players who are caught in a fight are too caught up to remove their rock hard helmets. Generally people’s faces aren’t exactly soft either.

Sure it is very enjoyable for the people who don’t have to smash their hand on someone’s helmet. As for the players, after the adrenaline’s all gone, they are left with a 5 or 10 minute penalty and a possibly broken hand.

However, sometimes the hand hurts less than say… someone’s nose. Even worse is losing a fight, because you break the one bone that you can never fully repair… your confidence bone.

Oh and if you love hockey fights, I just gave you a lifetime Christmas present with hockeyfights.com. Literally days of hockey fights on that website.

Hurting with the Knee Bone: Tyler Brayton

The knee to the groin is the one thing every angry man wants to do to whoever he is angry at.

Few have the quickness to do it, few are enough of a jerk to even attempt it, but Tyler Brayton… he is both.

You could think of it as a very intense cup check, or you can think of it as Brayton forget people wear cups. Either way, he kneed a man in the nuts. Whether anyone will admit it or not, he got man creds for being bold enough to nut shot a grown man on national TV. Yet, people will admit he is the screwdriver in the box of tools.

Hurting with the Foot Bone: Yuri Zhirkov

HIYAH!

When someone gets kicked in the face, its either by Chuck Norris or Jet Li.

Yet, the lack of people getting kicked in the face in soccer is shocking. I’d think there would be a special colored card for kicks to the face or groin, beacuse if there was, Chelsea’s Yuri Zhirkov would have gotten it.

He Falcon kicked Manchester United’s Javier Hernandez in the face with some impressive flexibility, but some not so impressive aiming skills as his foot goes straight into Hernandez’s face.

If this was the Karate Kid II, that would have been an awesome thing to do, but since it was soccer, it wasn’t so awesome.

Conclusion

I’m sure there are other ways people have been hurt by body parts, but that search will be up to you, my friend. Comment on how dirty these plays are, or you can just tweet @JakePayneSports.

AND YES, I KNOW THE SOME OF THESE ARENT ONE BONE. I know there are some Princeton Pre-Med students here who will give me the lashing.